Letters to Celebrities #1

Beyonce,

You are truly bootylicious baby. I didn’t realize it until I saw you on one
of those awards shows. It might have been one of those crazy ass outfits
your mother makes you wear, but your ass was bangin’! I was like
‘GAAWWWTTTT DDDAAAAMMMMNNN!!!’

Poor Kelley, relegated to the sidelines while you and all that ass is front
and center in the limelight. She has to spend night after night looking at
the big ass of yours knowing she got a little tiny thing… it must be tough
for her. If I had to choose one of the three, I’d go with Kelley though.
Anyone who accepts the role as the #2 person in the group says she has some
great potential wife qualities. If you get the chance, drop her a line for
me. (and I KNOW you’ll have the chance since y’all are together all the
time, so you don’t have any excuse!)

I don’t know why in hell you would want to be in an Austin Powers movie, but
it’s probably a good business move. I still don’t think I’m going to go
watch it though. Are you even old enough to remember black exploitation
movies?? This whole foxy Cleopatra character doesn’t seem to sit too well
for me. I should reserve my judgment until I see the movie, but since I
won’t see it, I guess I’ll just continue to talk shit.

I’ve heard you’re real talented and not just some sort of studio star. As a
producer, writer, arranger, vocalist and all that, I truly admire your
talents. But in all actuality, you seem kinda corny.

I’m not trying to bag on you or anything, but you just seem kinda silly.
Like I couldn’t see myself REALLY getting into a deep conversation with you.
I think we could go out and clown and act foolish on the dance floor and
all, but when it comes time to get down to business, somehow I see you doing
something silly like farting real loud and laughing about it….. To me, that
shit ain’t funny (no pun intended). But you’re just silly like that, and I
don’t know if I can hang with you for more than a month or so.

We can still be cool and all, and when you roll through the Chi, definitely
give me a call and if I’m not too busy we can hook up and get a drink or
something. Oh, I forgot you just do that Pineapple/Cranberry/Orange
Juice/Soda water mix thingy with a little bit of Grenadine. That’s cool
though, I know a spot that has grenadine. Just in case they don’t, I’ll
bring some of my brother’s kool-aid. It works just the same.

Ah-ight girl, I’ll holla at you later on then.

-c