the one lone confession

Y'all were slacking this year on sending me confessions. Last year, you all really dropped some deep confessions on me to share to the world... I was truly touched. But this year, either y'all solved all your problems, don't read the blog anymore or just said "fu*k that shit" this year.

In any case, you all are lucky as I received one lone confession that trumped all others and warrants its own special mention. Here is a man who is pouring his soul out for all of the world to see how much he loves his wife...... so beautiful .....

{{{{ insert dramatic pause here}}}]

I have to laugh though. If this was a complete stranger, I wouldn't laugh, I'd have some sympathy for him, but y'all should know this is my guy. I've known him for a long time and I'm not being evil by laughing at him, its just, if the tables were turned, he'd be laughing at my ass!!

Don't get me wrong, I'm not clowning my man because he truly poured his heart and soul into this, but I just don't get it yet. I WANT TOO, trust me I want to, and there have been women in my life that I have really tried to take this step with and never has worked out... sometimes I fuck up, sometimes they fuck up, sometimes my fuck-ups are too much for them to overcome, and sometimes their fuck-ups are too big for me to overcome, but I've tried to be where this man is.

But since I'm not, I have the pleasure of being able to laugh at dudes that are completely sprung on their woman. It cracks me up to hear men talk about how much they love doing jigsaw puzzles with their girl. I know, ladies, y'all think this is beautiful, I think its funny. Not funny in a "Chappelle joke" kinda way, but in more of a "slipped on a banana peel" sorta way... you know where you look up once you realized what happened and everyone is standing around you staring at you.... and all you can do is laugh with them because you're not sure how you ended up on the ground with jigsaw puzzle pieces in your hand, but you're there and you smile and embrace it.

I hope you all will be able to laugh at me like this one day. But until that day comes, we'll laugh at this guy:

~C

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here it goes

i confess that i REALLY like being married. i thought as a long time player (if i do say so myself), that marriage would cramp my style, or not be suited to me, but the truth turns out to be quite the contrary. i used to look at married guys and watch them following thier mates, or obeying some instruction put forth by the significant other and i would be glad i wasn't in thier shoes. i mean why would i wanna be them, i had it all, right?

i had beautiful women calling me, 50% of which i had sex with and enjoying the pursuit of the next 50%. every once in awhile there would be some blow up argument to tell my boys about, or maybe i came across some new sexual experience. you just NEVER knew what the next weekend would bring, the only thing you did know was that it would be different from the last.

until i met the one. now, some people know right away that it is the one, which is great. all i knew was that this was different in a way i couldn't describe. the feeling was different. it was a cocktail of love, respect, fun, sex (the cock and the tail), and friendship. of course, i can describe it now. being in the midst of ass and prospects of more, all i knew was that this wasn't the same as that puerto rican girl i slept with after a long night of drinking in the basement of the club. i didn't sleep with her that night, and i actually wanted to hang out with her to have fun and do something, not just to win her over so we can have sex.

maybe once or twice before i've felt like hanging out with the opposite sex for fun, but never lasted more than a month. as the months turned to years, i think the prospect of marriage pops up on its own accord without much prompting from either party involved. alhtough i had been faithful, the terror of the possibility of not getting different ass when you might want to is a scary thought. scary as shit!

many people react in many different ways by lashing out through resentment, cheating, breaking up, becoming introverted, becoming overly extroverted, hanging with the fellas, or surrounding yourself with women, amongst others. i am not so proud to say that i did do a few of the above listed, but it was done out of ignorance. ignorance, because the true root of all these actions and feelings is fear. fear of change. fear of a paradigm shift of your life as you've been living it up to this point. i mean, how could a brotha who loved every nuance of a new piece of ass, spend the next 60 years with the same one?? i don't care how good your favorite flavor of kool aid is, you can't make that your only beverage for the rest of your life, and think about how many "favorite" beers you've had in the past 5 years, c'mon.

then it happened. the day came and went mostly cheer and anticipation, but also a small shadow of doubt. can i REALLY do this?

Absolutely. i garden with my wife, we play jigsaw puzzles (that's right, jigsaw puzzles, dammit!!!), we have fun. we go out, though not as much as we did while we dated, and we make lifelong plans together. the love is completely different from when i was dating. i look back and see how dumb i was to criticize all those guys in the stores and obeying thier woman, because that is only one aspect of the relationship. i never asked the question, WHY is this grown man following this woman around like that? obviously, he is of sound mind, therefore there must be something worth the grotesque display. There definitely is.

when you find the right one, there is something that marriage does to the relationship. it jumpstarts the feelings involved, it heightens love, makes you more anxious about losing them, you spend more time thinking about them. thier welfare is now your welfare and it touches every facet of life. everyday my love grows exponentially, to a point now that without her by my side i could not and would not go on without her.

from player, to spectator. and i wouldn't have it any other way

sometimes, you just can't care.

Some people have the luxury of being able to be themselves no matter what the situation. They can do and say whatever it is they would normally do no matter who or what is around them.

Now I must say that these people who are convinced that they are themselves all of the time, I think you're full of shit and that whether you want to admit or not, you are never completely your true self ALL of the time.. that's bullshit... because I know behind closed doors you probably take it in the ass. But I bet you aren't going to be so forward and open about THAT all the time are you? Ok, maybe that's different, but still...

I make no qualms about being a different person in different situations. I think it has come natural from a very early age. I was the only black kid in the "smart" classes, but then I'd hang with the black kids in the school. So I learned pretty quickly that I couldn't behave in class the way they told me they behaved in class (spitballs, etc...) This has created a situation where without even thinking about it, I'm very easily able to switch between environments pretty easily, whether it be in a meeting with a client, at a dinner party with the girl's boss, or slammin dominoes with my homies back in Springpatch.

But SOMETIMES, you just have to let all that go and just be yourself and not give a damn about the situation. Most of the switching comes from the desire / ability to make others feel comfortable around you moreso than any deep willingness to be something else I believe. The last thing anyone wants to feel is uncomfortable around you, then they won't want to work with you, eat lunch with you, have sex with you, play golf with you, etc...

Every once in a while you have to throw those people off, just to let them know that they don't REALLY know you completely. This is important for a couple of reasons, mainly because you don't want people to get so comfortable they start assuming that you are like them. Either that or they'll start calling you "bro".... "what's up bro?!" or even worse, they're a big Dave Chappelle fan and if they're ignorant, they might even try to drop a N-bomb on you, but most people have more sense than that.

So in my efforts just to let my co-workers know that I'm not everything I seem to be I warmed up some leftover fried chicken and collard greens in the microwave about 10:30am yesterday. It had the whole top floor of the office smelling like a cornicopius blend of grease and ass. ...broke out the hot sauce at my desk too just to REALLY let folks know my roots run deep into the backroads of Mississippi.

Hey I was hungry, I had to do it, but it served it's purpose too.

~C

I'm back safely.

Finally made it back to the states safe and sound. Thanks so much for your prayers and support while I was stranded (both of you).

I'll give a nice long rundown when I get over my jetlag...

~C

Stranded in Cameroon

i hope you all realize that when i dont write a chronicle for a while there really is a valid reason. i enjoy writing them as much as all 4 of you enjoy reading them, and my latest hiatus is no exception. im typing on a french keyboard so forgive all of the typing mistakes.

well basically, im stranded in Cameroon.

i was sent to Africa for work at the last minute and have been here for about a week and have many many (okay maye two) great chronicles to write about this experience, but this one just could not wait...

my flight from Gabon left 2 hours late and by the time i arrived in Cameroon i only had 30 minutes to catch my connecting flight. in an effort to help, the Cameroon authorities rushed us through customs without stamping our passports.

when we got out to the ticket window, it was closed since we arrived 20 minutes before the plane was to take off. so i was stuck with no ticket, and no visa to be in the country. basicalyl screwed and unable to get back on a flight if i wanted to. i eventually hooked up with this guy from scotland who spoke english and we managed to eventually get our visa stamps at half past midnight.

we then found a decent hotel to stay in for the night and went to the air france office this morning. so tentatively i am leaving on a flight at 11pm tonight which will put me into dulles on Sunday afternoon. Since Cameroon does not seem like a place to be wandering the streets all day, i had to get the hotel room for a second night to have a place to stay until i go to the airport this evening. i hope the boss doesnt trip when i send her the bill.

if i am not able to get on the flight to Paris this evening, i may be here until Monday night as ive been told the air france flight does not leave on Sunday. this would put me back into the states on tuesday. the other option is to try to get a ticket on the other flight that flies through brussels one way home which will cost me about 2500. I will keep you informed of what happens... hopefully ill get on the flight tonight.

but yeah... basically im stuck right now.

Stranded in Cameroon,

Curtis

What do ghosts smell like??

Humor me for just a second...

I'm sitting at my computer checking my email, waiting for your confessions (since I haven't received any!!), when all of a sudden, I smell hot chocolate.

Like DISTINCTIVELY could smell it, you know the smell of all those particles that waft into your face right when you pour the instant powder into a mug?? THAT is what I smelled.. It was so distinctive that I had to look around and wonder if someone slipped some hot chocolate into my monitor or something!!!

It lingered for like a minute and a half or so, then it was gone... my windows were closed, my air conditioning was on, and I didn't have any incense burning or even in the room... weird shit... I'm wondering if a ghost just came from Ghiradelli or something and was passing through??? I don't get it.

Which reminds me of a quote I once heard... I can't remember by who at this moment, but when this man was asked what he fears most about death he replied, "definitely the ghosts."
when pushed to elaborate he said, "I'd hate to have to face my grandmother now that she knows how much I masturbate."

~C