getting tested...

So, I've decided that it's been about two years since I've had a proper physical and am feeling like it's about time to get the good ole test done.

I dread it with a passion, but you know, it has to be done. It's sort of like getting tested for Aids, but worse. When you get tested for AIDS, you are forced to recollect your entire life within a period of a week, and you start remembering things and people that you had completely forgot about. That pain and suffering of waiting and wondering the first time you get that AIDS test, ain't even close to the pain that one endures when go for THE TEST.

The last time I had THE TEST, the doc pulled out a swab that was comparable to the size of a lincoln log. I asked him if he had one any smaller and he said no, but I know for damn sure they make Q-tips smaller than this piece of firewood he had in his hand.

He held it to the sky in the tradition of He-man, dipped it in what had to be 1500 proof liquor, told me "this might sting *just* a little". Then, biceps flexing, he reared back and shoved it in.

Then he twisted it.

Then he shoved it in further.

Then he twisted it again.

Then he took a nap.

What felt like three hours later, he woke up, twisted a few more times just for kicks, and yanked it out.

This is what's known as "getting a culture".

wheeeeeeeeeeeeee! boy am I excited!!!!

.... maybe I'll reconsider my position on this whole physical thing and just make her go.

-C

mean moms

This is how my mother justifies all of the years of keeping me from being a child. She sends me e-mail forwards like the one below..

~C

--------------------


If your kids ever said your mean, don't worry.

All moms are MEAN for a reason
--------------------------------------------
As we grow into adults we know why our moms were mean.
Someday when my children are old enough to understand the
logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them:

I loved you enough... to ask where you were going, with whom,
and what time you would be home.

I loved you enough... to insist that you save your money and buy
a bike for yourself even though we could afford to buy one for you.

I loved you enough...to be silent and let you discover that your new
best friend was a creep.

I loved you enough... to make you go pay for the bubble gum you had
taken and tell the clerk, "I stole this yesterday and want to pay for
it."

I loved you enough... to stand over you for two hours while you
cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

I loved you enough... to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears
in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren't perfect.

I loved you enough... to let you assume the responsibility for your
actions
even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

But most of all, I loved you enough... to say NO when I knew you
would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I'm glad I won them
because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children
are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents,
you will tell them.... Was your Mom mean? I know mine was.
We had the meanest mother in the whole world!

While other kids ate candy for breakfast, we had to have cereal,
eggs, and toast. When others had a Pepsi and a Twinkie for lunch,
we had to eat sandwiches.

And you can guess our mother fixed us a dinner that was different
from what other kids had, too. Mother insisted on knowing
here we were at all times. You'd think we were convicts in a prison.

She had to know who our friends were, and what we were
doing with them. She insisted that if we said we would be gone for
an hour, we would be gone for an hour or less.

We were ashamed to admit it, but she had the nerve to break the
Child Labor Laws by making us work. We had to wash the dishes,
make the beds, learn to cook, vacuum the floor, do laundry, empty
the trash and all sorts of cruel jobs. I think she would lie awake at
night thinking of more things for us to do.

She always insisted on us telling the truth, the whole truth, and nothing

but the truth. By the time we were teenagers, she could read our
minds. Then, life was really tough!

Mother wouldn't let our friends just honk the horn when they drove
up. They had to come up to the door so she could meet them.

While everyone else could date when they were 12 or 13, we had
to wait until we were 16. Because of our mother we missed out on
lots of things other kids experienced.

None of us have ever been caught shoplifting, vandalizing other's
property or ever arrested for any crime. It was all her fault.
Now that we have left home, we are all educated, honest adults.

We are doing our best to be mean parents just like Mom was.
I think that is what's wrong with the world today. It just doesn't
have enough mean moms.

PASS THIS ON TO ALL THE MEAN MOTHERS YOU KNOW.

(And Their Kids !!!!!)

i'm glad you enjoyed it

Hey.

What?

Well, I'm glad you enjoyed it, I did too. But I feel as if you deserve more.

No it was fine.

IT WAS FINE!!!

Seriously......

no, it's just...

Well,

.......... I'm a little upset....

Well, I'll tell you, but you can't get offended.... I just want to tell you the truth....

Okay, because I feel as if I had the perfect opportunity to execute a classic backshot, but failed miserably. I was just thinking how this classic porn-like opportunity was right in my face, but instead of shooting it all over your back on some Jake Steed type ish, I just got too excited, thus you were left with the puddle on your right butt cheek.

No, I know.....

Of course it was fine, because I know how to work my shit like that!!

...... I'm just playing with you......

I couldn't believe it when you actually got up to look at it on your ass. That was actually kinda sexy.

What's so tough about successfully executing doggie style, and ending with the backshot???

You just don't get it! It is an art! A skill that can't be taught!

I'd be glad to get into it, but I don't think you'd appreciate it because you're usually on the receiving end of things.....

NO, not ALL the time, I'm just talking about doggie style...

.... it's not what I said, but it's what I meant. sorry for the confusion....

Yeah, I'll admit you're working some, but you're not working as much as I AM....

What is so artful and skillful about it?? I'll tell you.

I think I can break it down into 5 simple things required for the perfect execution:

1. Use of Hands - Holding the ass in such a way as to gently inform you of who in fact is in charge.
2. Thrust - Appropriate amount of power behind each stroke without loss of control of said thrusting instrument.
3. Aim - With what angle said instrument slides in and out of the receiver.
4. Appreciation - Ocassionally verbalizing of appreciation for various aspects of activity, participants, participants performance, and said participants body parts.
5. Focus - Maintaining a certain awareness, allowing the other to stay for a time with each position / velocity that causes maximum yowling and squirming.

Balancing all of this, isn't easy...

Oh don't worry about me, I'm fine...... I actually get pleasure out of knowing that you are pleased....

........you just smiled didn't you....? :)

... I could hear it

So, listen, about the last time, I was off my game and I'm sorry.... no, my fault, not the LAST time, but the time right before that. The last time was great! You worked it when you were on top, for real.

I know, I know..... I saw you sweating.

....... and the whole time while we were out, I thought you would be too tired, but I should've known better.

If you just wanted to go home and fuck, why didn't you just say so?

-C

CD of the moment: Stuart Matthewman - "Twin Falls Idaho"

Ursula Rucker - "Silver or Lead"

first of all, I just want to give a big shout out to Red Lobster Cheddar

Cheese biscuits because those joints are BANGIN'!!! I've been tasting them

for about the past 3 days and it's killing me, I'm going to break down

tonight I just know it.....



"Um, yeah, can I get one biscuit?.... no just one..... thanks."



Second, I want to tell you about a really, really great album, the new one

by Ursula Rucker - "Silver or Lead"  There are some monatanous hip-hop beats

that drag the album at some points, but overall, it is outstanding....

here's my song by song:





1. Soon (music by Rob Yancey)   From the beginning, you know this is going

to be something different.  The beat feels like it was ripped straight off

of a portishead  album.  Slow simple hip-hop beat with a looped piano riff,

with Ursula flowing over the top of it. I personally don't feel like it

suits her flow very well but it might grow on me.  Lyrically she's coming on

some hard slave story vibe, ending the record with, "Fuck yeah, I'll go back

to Africa"



2. What A Woman Must Do (music by Jazzanova)  A very understated Jazzanova

production but the skills are still obvious.  The live drum sounds give this

a different feeling than the first track and the simple congas in the

background keep the vibe flowing on this one.  The changeups in the track

allow this song to run almost 7 minutes.  Notable lyric.... "concubine,

cunt, bitch, whore, witch, dike" ??? not sure what she's talking about and

the singing doesn't add anything to the track, but it's a nice chilled out

head bobber for sure.



3. Untitled Flow (music by King Britt)  I've never been a fan of King

Britt's hip-hop production and this is no different.  His house / afro-latin

/ soul productions are usually on point, but musically here the track is

weak in my opinion, Ursula takes it to the streets on this one.  She

completely broke out on some underground poetry cipher vibe on this one.  I

mean I felt like I was in a stank, dark, musty cipher where the cops might

break in at any moment.  Despite the beat, the flow is hot, for a poet.  If

she were an MC, it would be weak tho.



4. Lonely Can Be Sweet (music by The Mysterium) Musically, the track is

basically non-existant allowing Ursula's lyrics to be the showcase here, but

the simple looped hip-hop beat underneath just seems to drag after the first

16 measures, so 5 minutes of the same after a complex track like What a

Woman must Do is sort of a letdown.



5. Time (music by 4 Hero) Instead of the typical 4/4 beat here the vibe

switches to a 3/3 swing vibe.  After the simplicity of the music on the last

two tracks, production-wise, this is MILES ahead of what we just heard.  At

about the 2 minute mark, it switches up into a hot drum and bass beat and it

suits her flow perfectly and she even feels and sounds much more comfortable

over this tricked out beat on shrooms.  The way the song builds up to this

point is loverly and definitely a stand out track on the album.



6. Q & A (music by The Society) Keeping with the more forward thinking

breakbeat-esque vibe but with a FUNKY bassline to go along with it, Ursula

flows like water over this beat.  HOT TO DEATH!  This wouldn't be out of

place on a Nuspirit Helsinki or Kyoto Jazz Massive album.  Definitely

turning the vibe up a notch on the album at this point and I'm left

wondering what took her so long?



7. Release (music by Little Louie Vega) What can you say, Little Louie Vega

brings the Afro- Latin house rhythms but what makes this track so great is

there are no drums at all, just keyboards, strings, and congas and it's hot

without the heavy bass or house beats or dope ass Masters at Work sound that

he's known for.  This track is real hot and immediately was put on repeat. 

Whatever is on the rest of the album can wait because I have to hear this

one again.  The only reference to the album title is in this track, still

not sure if there is some overall theme that 'Silver or Lead' represents.



8. I / We (music by Tim Motzer & Rob Yancey)  After taking to this hype

dancefloor feeling that has everyone and their momma within earshot up on

their feet, we get the rug taken out from under us.  Like those dope ass

beats and tracks we just heard were just for fun, so the vibe goes  back to

mellow, and rather simple hip-hop beats.  But it's cool, because it has that

eerie Portishead vibe like we heard on the first track.



9. Damned If I Do (music by The Mysterium) break it waaaaayyyy down..... no

wwwaaaaaaayyyyyyy down..... yeah, right there..... okay, that's where this

track is.  smoky jazz club banger with vocalist bellowing soul in the

background as a compliment to the sensual Rucker keeping it in the pocket.



10. Return of Innocence Lost (music by The Roots) Straight poetry.  not out

of place at the end of a Roots album. Musically, it's like a smooth lullaby

or music box playing while Ursula drops some serious, not for yo momma

lyrics addressing sex, pregnancy, bleeding, kids, pain, shame, sexual

abuse.... like whoa... heavy, heavy, heavy lyrically, be ready.



-C

haircuts are your friend

FINALLY!



This brotha who I have seen in and around the building for the past 3 years

decided to cut his tail.  He is balding and I'm sure that the 5" braided

piece of napiness tucked into his collar gave him some sort of solace and

allowed him to avoid coming to grips with his impending baldness.  Today I

saw him without the tail.  I worry about my fellow brethren here in Chicago

sometimes, wearing the matching shoes, jersey, hat, wristband combo like

it's a military uniform, but today I have hope.



-C



CD of the moment: Miles Davis - "Big Fun"

What's up with Cali?

what they doin' in Cali?????



Yall's shit must have been all kinds of jacked up to overwhelmingly elect

the Terminator to run things.



At least Gary Coleman is in the top 10:



Arnold Schwarzenegger          Rep   3,694,436   48.5

Cruz M. Bustamante             Dem   2,421,319   31.8

Tom McClintock                 Rep   1,014,895   13.4

Peter Miguel Camejo            Grn     211,595    2.8

Arianna Huffington             Ind      42,442    0.6

Peter V. Ueberroth             Rep      21,999    0.3

Larry Flynt                    Dem      15,350    0.3

Gary Coleman                   Ind      12,631    0.2

George B. Schwartzman          Ind      10,880    0.2

Mary Cook                      Ind      10,017    0.2



But all this did make me think that its about that time to start getting

political again.  Folks are already dropping out of the democratic race and

I haven't taken the time to get into any of them.  So let's get political

together.  I want to be able to say, "I did my part" so I'm going to try to

school myself (and y'all) on each of the candidates that are remaining, add

a little bit of my poignant commentary and hopefully we'll come up with who

folks should support.



So we have:



Sharpton - the angry black man

Mosely Braun - the proud black woman

Kucinich - the left leaning liberal

Dean - the fiery anti-war guy from Vermont

Lieberman - the Jew without a chance

Edwards - the young good looking guy

Clark - the four star general

Kerry - the very uncool guy existing game.

Gephardt - even more uncool guy



I'm going to take a look at these guys (minus lieberman and Gephardt) and

break it down for us all in a way we can all understand, without all of the

rhetoric and bullshit, just poetically waxing the straight dope for y'all,

knowhumsayin'?



I don't know shit about any of them really, so if you have opinions on any,

or have a reason to support one over the other, let me know, but I think we

all have to choose and we all have to vote, and we can't make an informed

decision without information.



-C



CD of the moment - Los Amigos Invisibles - "The Venezuelan Zinga Son Vol. 1"

Googlism on Curtis

Have you done this Googlism thing yet?  where you put your name in and see

what pops out?



Well, I googlism.com'd myself (being a self-involved megalomaniac and etc)

and i was very amused by the little one-liners that came back re: me.



The Curtis Award for Devotion to Learning:

http://www.bitsofhistory.com/ace/ccaward.html



Curtis born in 1747:

http://rmeservy.byu.edu/cgi-win/pafweb.exe/CGI?Petersp~4697



Curtis the skydiver:

http://www.wildwindskydivers.com/Curtis.htm



Curtis' son who drowned in a mental institution:

http://www.geocities.com/cityfan01/steffibrewster



I'm guessing that googlism.com is an offshoot of google (which has kind of

gone downhill as of late, I hate to say, with more and more responses

seemingly going to companies as opposed to institutions that serve the

public interest).



I think I might go and googlism.com 'taco' to see what comes up. something

delicious, i'm guessing.

because tacos are great.



If you can find someone who doesn't like tacos they will, most likely, be a

serial killer or an evil robot alien pretending to be a human.



In fact the 'taco test' might be a good way of identifying serial killers

and inhuman robot-aliens before they do bad things.



kind of like the beginning of 'blade runner'.



-C



CD of the moment: Joss Stone - "Soul Sessions"