my di*k is pretty

My dick always looks prettier in the club.

Maybe it's the flashing strobes or it's ability to change colors from purple to green to blue with each ray of passing light.

Maybe it's the illusion that it is actually pulsing to the rhythm of the bass that makes jaws drop in amazement.

Maybe it's the alcohol

Maybe it's always a full moon when it happens and I just never noticed.

Maybe it's the cocoa butter. I don't know.

I always thought the darkness would make it look more skinny, you know, black makes you look thin etc.., but think about it... if you are in a dark room then your eye briefly catches a glimpse of light, once that light gets taken away, the thing that was bright has that lingering glow that makes it seem like it's bigger than it actually is. That's what happens when light hits my dick in the club.

Maybe it's the simple shock that when asked if they can "see it", (like it's some sort of rare baseball card) it doesn't take much swaying to get me to whip it out. Its almost like a dare on the playground when you're a little kid... once you get dared, you gotta do it.

It's not like she really EXPECTS you to actually pull it out. And more often then not, I really have no intention to. So after the obligitory "reach-for-the-zipper-and-act-like-you're-going-to-but-know-you-really-aren't" routine, that's when you get the "SEE, I knew you wouldn't pull it out."

That's when you whip it out.

Right when they're convinced you won't do it. And are mimicking you for being the chicken they are presuming you are. So it ends up being more like, "SEE, I knew you wouldn't... oh my......" It's the best way to express "shut the fuck up" without muttering a word.

But you have to put it away all quick like. Otherwise the lighting might shift, flash or make it seem all deformed or something. There has to be tons of people around to, because it makes it all the more dramatic that no one else around just saw you whip your shit out ya know.

It's not like I do the shit all the time, I mean I could count on one hand the number of times it has happened but it works.

trust me it works.

~C

CD of the moment: Amy Winehouse - "Frank"

apples revisited

Could you imagine if Congress spent as much effort trying to find out who really shot MLK / Malcolm X / Biggie / or Tupac as they have on how poorly our American soldiers are behaving in Iraq?

------

wow. I didn't realize all this talk of women being rotten apples would cause such a furor.... I've revisited my position and have come to a conclusion on the issue...

Those rotten apples on the ground were once on the top of the tree and the apples that were on the end of the low branches that were within reach got eaten. (They were shinyer then a MFer too.)

I truly believe that the crap that women go through on many level is of their own making. They have control over their most powerful possession. It makes men do all kinds of stupid things. The issue is women WANT men to think like women but we do not.

Also, the treachery that they practice on each other allows men to do their thing. Women are their own worst enemies. Granted men should have more integrity but generally we do not. Especially when there is so much tail floating about that is just handed to you. While all this is happening women become rotten apples. Then they tend to bring baggage with them into every relationship.

Relationships take work. All those bright shiny pure untouched apples are ALL the way up on the top of the tree out of reach, hiding out in their apartments going back and forth to work, church, or at the gym with headphones on, etc.... (like I ever go to the gym, but you know what I'm sayin'). If we knew how to reach those apples, we would but until we figure it out, we're going to stick with the ones that fall off the tree.

I probably just made things worse, but..... nevermind....

~C

CD of the moment: Louie Vega - "Elements of Life"

I know I can do a backflip

How hard can it be to do a backflip?



For real, I think a backflip is 99% balls, 1% skill. I bet I could do one

right now if I just swallowed my fear of paralysis and went for it.



You don't even have to touch anything! You just jump up into the air

and...spin around backwards.



I'm gonna learn how to do a backflip, and whip it out at parties and

whatnot.



Deep down, I really don't think I could do it though, and I used to be a

pretty athletic dude.



I used to try to do one off of a springboard at this one cats pool back in

high school and would overturn it from time to time.  Actually, it would

probably be easier to do a forward flip.



You just sprint about 20 yards, throw your feet in the air and BLAM!  I'm

sure the forward thrust would probably send me tumbling forward, but I bet I

could at least get my feet all the way over my head.



My landing would be pretty shitty though.



I remember back flips being status symbols during childhood.  Being able to

do a back flip made you distinguishable among the other local kids, who

could only manage a horrible "back twist" or something.  It was always that

bitch-like dude that could pull it off too, and then all the lil third grade

hoes would think he was so cool.



There was this kid named Brandon that could do them off of buildings and

shit.  I can't lie, I was jealous of the lil popularity boost it gave him.



I used to be able to do that certain Kid N Play dance.  You know, the "hop

over your leg" thingy.  I broke that shit out at Homecoming back in '91 and

all the white folks were in a circle cheering me on.  What a fucking herb

move..... I swore I was the shit to with my polka dotted skidz and shit....



I'm going to pass on the flip thing.  I'm too old to break my hip and ruin

whats left of my fuck game!



~C



CD of the moment: Miguel Migs - Southport Weekender

forwards, apples, etc..

a chronicles bonus......... two in one day!



I hate forwards...



My lovely cousin bless her heart forwards me shit like the following almost

every day:







> > >Women are like apples on trees:  the best ones are

> > >at the top of the tree.

> > >Most men don't want to reach for the good ones

> > >because they are afraid of

> > >falling and getting hurt.  Instead, they just get

> > >the rotten apples from the ground

> > >that aren't as good, but easy... So the apples at

> > >the top think something is

> > >wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing.

> > >They just have to wait for

> > >the right man to come along - the one who's brave

> > >enough to climb all the way

> > >to the top of the tree.

> > >

> > >Share this with other women who are good apples -

> > >even those who have already

> > >been picked!

> > >

> > >And remember... Men are like a fine wine.  They

> > >start out as grapes, and it's

> > >up to women to stomp the crap out of them until

> > they

> > >turn into something

> > >acceptable to have dinner with.

> > >







To this I say, GTFOHWTBS!!!  ("get the fuck outta here with that bull shit"

for those in the cheap seats.)



See shit like this is what's wrong with hoes... er women these days. 

Reading this kinda crap every day breeds thoughts of grandeur and

untouchableness.  Then all the girls get together and complain about men and



look around at themselves as apples at the top of the tree.



As I get older my fellow single men and I have it all figured out.  We could



easily go and act like we're supposed to and be that ideal man that you'd

love to take home to momma.  Really, we can turn that shit on in a

heartbeat.  But why?  Then all we've done is breed expectations that we have



no intention on living up to.  So you tell us, would you rather have us act

a certain way just to make you feel like you've snagged a 'good man' only to



later find out that he isn't all you thought he was, or just be real from

the jump and turn it on around moms?



Sure I can do the occassional romantic evening with rose pedals on the bed,

a bottle of Vueve and shit just to keep you happy, but that shit is not the

norm so quit acting like you expect it to be.  We are not highly emotional

and romantic beings by nature.  We can be when we have to, but our normal

existence doesn't operate like that.  We are not thoughtful, considerate, or



keep your best interests at heart 90% of the time.  We do what we gotta do

to stay outta trouble.  But it's not because we don't care.  We really do. 

We just have a difference of opinion on what we should spend our energy

caring about.



get it?



~C

community service my ass

It doesn't pay to try to reach out to your community.  You go out of

your way to teach these young'uns the right way to live, and they don't

appreciate shit... take this recent transation between me and a young

high school student that I felt could use some of my tutelage....





Curtis walks into McDonalds... "Can I get a number 5 with a Sprite."



........ pause..... presses 18 buttons.... "what kind of drink?"



"Sprite.  And can I have BBQ sauce with that."



........... pause........ "you said number 10?"



"No, number 5."



"with a Coke?"



"No a Sprite."



".... and Sweet & Sour Sauce?"



"No, BBQ sauce."



 .......... pause, presses more buttons.... "$3.29 "



.............. pause, ".....  how can a number 5 possibly cost

$3.29??? when it clearly says, a number 5 costs $4.99?"



"...... um, ion't know......... just give me $3.29."



"No, how about you learn how to ring it up right?"



...... rolls eyes.... sucks teeth........"so you want a number 5,

with a Coke......."



"sure, Coke is fine."



......"with what kind of sauce?"



"BBQ"



.............. presses more buttons, "um..... $4.37"



......"$4.37?"



"yep, $4.37.................. no wait........."



"try again."



"okay, we got a number 5, with a Coke........... and BBQ sauce."



"yep."



"$5.53"



"now see was that so hard?"



"whatever......."