leave the VIP hoes alone

I met this girl a little while back when I had a friend in town visiting.
She told me she was a stripper and by the way she was dressing, I believed
her. She was real cute, had the low cut jeans that almost showed the top of
her butt crack with the thong popping out and rising about 4 inches up her
hips. We talked for a bit and when I started to walk away, she was like,
“Wait, where are you going?”
I told her I’m going home, I’m tired, but she could give me a call if she
wanted.

She never called, then on my birthday, I bump into her and said, “Hey, you
took my business card, placed it in your little gold case and never called
me, I want you to reach in there and give it back to me so I can give it to
someone else who will actually use it.”

I explained to her that I wasn’t trying to be rude, but if she’s not going
to call me, then why bullshit me? Just give me the number back and
everything will be cool. Needless to say, she bought it and promised to
call me.

So about a week and a half later she gives me a call and we decide to go out
to eat on Friday. I came home from work and fell asleep and almost missed
our appointment. I called and exclaimed that I had left her number at home
and I was JUST getting home from work. (you know you’ll have to deal with
this type of thing if you want to be with a Corporate Brotha)

It’s too late, she had already made plans but she tells me to meet her and
her friend at the swanky W hotel around 10:00. I’m there about 15 minutes
half way through a $8 Jack and coke when they arrive and tell me that they
haven’t eaten yet. I apologize and let her know that since we weren’t
eating together, I went ahead and ate assuming she would eat too. She says,

“Well we didn’t eat. Will you buy us dinner?”

“…………………………………………………………………… ’scuse me?”

“Will you buy us dinner?”

Now you have to imagine that we are at one of the hottest, pricest, most
prettiest hotel bars in Chicago right on Lake Michigan and she wants me to
buy BOTH of them dinner.
I look her straight in the eye and say,

“Naw, I’m good. I already ate.” Trying to play the idiot, she assumes I
don’t understand.

“No, will you buy US dinner.”

“ …………No, I’m good I already ate, but if you two want to eat, then go
ahead.”

Needless to say, they decided not to eat. I should’ve know when I saw the
Prada and Coach purses juxtaposed with prison tattoos on the ankles that I
was dealing with some club hoes, but I try to give everyone the benefit of
the doubt.
We decide to sit down and they start talking amongst themselves and decide
to order a couple drinks. One had a Chocolate martini and a ‘Hennessey
straight w/ a splash of OJ’ for the other.
Me: “Once you throw OJ in it, it’s not really straight anymore”
Her: “yeah, but it’s straight until you put the OJ in it.”
Me: “ …………….. yep, it sure is.”

I so ‘conveniently’ had to go to the restroom as their drinks arrived. I
stop by the bar to pick myself up a new drink on the way back to the couches
we were lounging in. I get back to my seat and the tab is still sitting
there and the waitress comes back and asks if they wanted to start a tab or
just settle it now. They both look at me. I look right back at them and
finally one says, we’re still working on it.

That check sat there for the entire time we were sitting there. Finally,
they say they’re trying to get to this other party so they can get in for
free. As they get up I say,
“Well, you better settle that tab up before you go.”
…. They were speechless, sat back down and complained about how they weren’t
going to make it to their party before midnight. I remind them that a $10
cover isn’t that much if it’s a phat party. Besides, they let their check
sit there for about 25 minutes.

The ‘friend’ says, “We are V.I.P. We don’t pay to get in anywhere, we don’t
buy our meals and we SHOULDN’T be buying our own drinks! Understand??!!
WE’RE VEE EYE PEE!!!”

I calmly look at her and say, “Calm down Ms. V.I.P., you’ll make it to your
party in time. God forbid you have to pay a cover charge like everyone
else.”

THEN, they were discussing whether or not they should leave a tip! I can’t
stand a cheap woman. I mean I REALLY can’t stand that shit. When they were
trying to figure out how much they should leave for their 2 drink martini
tab which was $25, I recommend $3 or $4 would be appropriate for a fine
establishment such as the one we were in. They looked at me like I was
CRAZY!! Then the girl I had met said, “I’m a woman, I don’t have to tip!”

I couldn’t help but laugh in the girl’s face. They reluctantly left $2 and
said that if she didn’t come get it in 2 minutes, she was going to take it
back……

Needless to say, we said our goodbye’s and I doubt I’ll hear from her again.
I don’t think I need anymore V.I.P’s in my life.

-c

CD of the moment: Little Louie Vega – “Mad Styles & Crazy Visions”

VIP hoes pt. 2

I have a relevant part of the stripper story that I forgot to mention. I
was so caught up in explaining how these two were trying to squeeze dinner
and drinks out of me that I forgot to mention an important fact. As our
conversation ensued throughout the evening, it became very clear that she
wasn’t really a stripper. She just dressed like one. She is actually a
social worker. I don’t want to give the impression that I hang out with
strippers on a regular basis because I don’t. As a matter of fact I only
know 3, and they’re just merely acquaintances that I’m friendly with on the
rare occasion I see them.

The funny part about the occupation discussion was when I asked the friend
what she did she said, “I work at a hospital”. I should’ve said, “Wow,
you’re a doctor?!” but that would’ve been a little too condescending. Upon
further conversation she said she is a ‘data systems input analyst’ or a
fancy way of saying, she types shit all day. But I love the way she dropped
her title: ‘data systems input analyst’. That sounds like some important
shit!

I was working for the Illinois State Police one summer with very little to
do when one of the supervisors said they had a big task for me that I would
be starting the following Monday. He said I would be ‘preparing documents
for microfilm processing’. I was like ‘DAMN sounds like some important
shit!!’ The rest of the work week I was eagerly anticipating my new
important task. This would be my first project there that was all mine. I
spent the entire weekend telling folks about my big upcoming task with the
Illinois State Police, how important I was and I was honored to be given
such a momentous task all to myself.

That Monday morning, they took me down the hall opened the door to this
closet and there were boxes filled with paper all the way up to the ceiling.
Don’t you know they had a brotha taking staples out of the reports and
separating the colored paper from the white paper…. Those sonuvabitches….
Preparing documents for microfilm processing my ass. So whenever someone
drops a big ass long title on you, you know their job is pretty shitty.

I don’t want to give the impression that I don’t buy women dinner and/or
drinks because that is absolutely not true. I’m an extremely generous
boyfriend (with references) if you don’t believe me. But you have to
understand something, I probably wouldn’t take a SERIOUS girlfriend to eat
here unless it was some sort of special occasion. I’ve never eaten there
and would have to not pay my bills for a month to truly enjoy a good time.
The last thing I’m going to do is buy some girl I barely know and a friend
of hers that I just met dinner at this place! Especially when I’ve already
eaten. MAYBE if there was some sort of guarantee on a ménage I’d do it, but
that is really stretching is and it would have to be the extra payday. (you
know that month where you get paid three times instead of two so it seems
like you get an extra check. .. THAT month.)

Plus, there is an art to getting a man to buy you a drink or dinner. Don’t
say, “buy us dinner will ya?” Rub your stomach, say ‘I’m hungry’, play with
the straw in your empty glass right in my face or SOMETHING, but don’t just
ask me to buy you a drink. It takes away the opportunity for me to show you
I’m generous and reinforces the (inaccurate) notion that the only time I’m
generous is as a reaction to your requesting me to do so. It is important
to understand that I’m not selfish or cheap, simply strong in my convictions
that it is not necessary for me to spend money on a person to make them
interested in me for two reasons.
1. I don’t have much money to spend on anyone in the first place, so I don’t
want her to have any false notions that I will continue to spend
extraordinary amounts of money on her. (It’s all about setting expectations
here)
2. If I need to spend money on a person to impress them and they aren’t
simply attracted to me as a person: who I am, what I’m all about, where I’m
going, and how much what I do for you is appreciated etc… then I don’t need
to be with them anyway.

So why was I even hanging out with a woman who I thought was a stripper in
the first place?

Very simply, she had an ass that was just mesmerizing. I literally had to
regain my composure and get myself together before I went over to talk to
her. If she had even half as much common sense as she displayed, her ass
would’ve made up the rest. I just had to find out if asses like that come
with minds or not.

-c

CD of the moment: Zero 7

Letters to Celebrities #2

Dear Shaq,

Thank you very much. Because of your stupid ass Burger King commercials I
can’t enjoy a damn BK Broiler anymore without your silly mug and that
kool-aid smile popping into my head. The double cheeseburger meal was my
favorite for a while before I turned into a pig and would hit the Whopper on
the regular. I even used to just pop in to get the Hershey’s Sunday pie for
a little sweet snack, but I can’t do it anymore.

You and that ugly ass jacket with the flames always pops into my head thus
preventing me from truly enjoying my food. I hear that annoying Shaft
knock-off music they play during the commercial and see you getting out of
that car that is way too tiny for your size 22’s. It is so incredibly
stupid looking that it is annoying, yet I can’t forget!

So if I ever, eva, eva eva eva eva eva EVA see you in person, I’m going to
kick your big ass in the shins for fucking up my Burger King experience.

-c

funeral observations

“They really did a good job on him”

Why do people say this at funerals? ........ for real.........

I never quite understood this. I mean, folks die and they wait 7-8 days to
have the funeral, they can’t expect ole boy to have that Neutrogena shine
can they?

At my funeral, when you walk by the casket and see me with lipstick on, I
hope you keep it real and laugh at my ass. That’s right, I hope you laugh.
I usually think this to myself whenever I see a dude in a casket with
lipstick on. “If he only knew, they put lipstick on his ass” Is that really
the way you want to be remembered? All laid up in a suit w/ some pink
lipstick on. And it’s never any sort of flesh colored action going on, it’s
always some sort of neon pink glossy Crisco type stuff they put on folks'
lips.

Do you think if I wrote in my will to have my eyes propped open w/ my tongue
out as I lay in the casket they would do it?
That would be kinda messed up. I could terrify some little kids for life
don’t you think?. That's one way to be remembered.

-c

CD of the moment: Lake Trout - "Another One Lost"

Letters to Celebrities #1

Beyonce,

You are truly bootylicious baby. I didn’t realize it until I saw you on one
of those awards shows. It might have been one of those crazy ass outfits
your mother makes you wear, but your ass was bangin’! I was like
‘GAAWWWTTTT DDDAAAAMMMMNNN!!!’

Poor Kelley, relegated to the sidelines while you and all that ass is front
and center in the limelight. She has to spend night after night looking at
the big ass of yours knowing she got a little tiny thing… it must be tough
for her. If I had to choose one of the three, I’d go with Kelley though.
Anyone who accepts the role as the #2 person in the group says she has some
great potential wife qualities. If you get the chance, drop her a line for
me. (and I KNOW you’ll have the chance since y’all are together all the
time, so you don’t have any excuse!)

I don’t know why in hell you would want to be in an Austin Powers movie, but
it’s probably a good business move. I still don’t think I’m going to go
watch it though. Are you even old enough to remember black exploitation
movies?? This whole foxy Cleopatra character doesn’t seem to sit too well
for me. I should reserve my judgment until I see the movie, but since I
won’t see it, I guess I’ll just continue to talk shit.

I’ve heard you’re real talented and not just some sort of studio star. As a
producer, writer, arranger, vocalist and all that, I truly admire your
talents. But in all actuality, you seem kinda corny.

I’m not trying to bag on you or anything, but you just seem kinda silly.
Like I couldn’t see myself REALLY getting into a deep conversation with you.
I think we could go out and clown and act foolish on the dance floor and
all, but when it comes time to get down to business, somehow I see you doing
something silly like farting real loud and laughing about it….. To me, that
shit ain’t funny (no pun intended). But you’re just silly like that, and I
don’t know if I can hang with you for more than a month or so.

We can still be cool and all, and when you roll through the Chi, definitely
give me a call and if I’m not too busy we can hook up and get a drink or
something. Oh, I forgot you just do that Pineapple/Cranberry/Orange
Juice/Soda water mix thingy with a little bit of Grenadine. That’s cool
though, I know a spot that has grenadine. Just in case they don’t, I’ll
bring some of my brother’s kool-aid. It works just the same.

Ah-ight girl, I’ll holla at you later on then.

-c

the pigeon rant

To me, it would suck to be a pigeon. I’ll tell you why. Being a pigeon is
one profession that prides itself in normalcy, obesity, and a survival of
the fittest approach to life. If the next man gets to that piece of bread
before you do, you’re ass out w/ no bread until you find another, and if you
slowgas it to that crumb you’ll be ass out again.

There is no help ‘yo brothaman out’ to get something to eat. The worst is
that everyone looks alike, wears the same clothes, the same shoes, etc… To
be different is to be cursed and everyone else will let you know about it.
And it’s usually that different pigeon that will gain the most and grow to
be somebody special because they’ve led a life of being different, being
picked on and surviving despite all the obstacles they might have crossed.

I had this realization when I saw my man, the white and brown spotted
pigeon, on my way to work. He was flying around scavengering for food w/out
any homies. (Is ‘scavengering’ even a word?) He was missing toes on one of
his feet which caused to have this sorta gangsta leanish walk, feathers were
all ruffled and shit, and he had one of his eyes all jacked up probably from
being pecked at from the rest of the crew. It’s a doggie dog world if
you’re a pigeon. To be different is to bring everyone around you that tries
to be different down to your level.

The worst would be hanging out with an entire community which prides itself
on shitting wherever you want. Could you imagine if everyone just dropped
their pants and shit all over the place all the time, and it was a societal
norm? I might have to move to the roof of a McDonalds or some slippery shit
where there wouldn’t be a whole bunch of folks.

I must admit, I hate pigeons. To me they’re like flying rats. I’ve been
trying to kick one for about the past 4 years. I’ve only succeeded once
though. Just when you think you’ve snuck up on one, he flies just beyond
the reach of your foot. Those lil’ Carl Lewis mother fuckers make you think
you’re going to get them though.

Now that I think of it, I think I work with a bunch of pigeons. As soon as
a brotha tries to push up and be that nail that breaks through on some
different shit, there everyone is, surrounding me with hammers in their
hands, fighting to be the first one to beat ya down. Too many people are
content with collecting that paycheck, collecting whatever crumbs are thrown
to them, but not the spotted pigeon. He’s doing his own thing, stepping out
on his own terms. There will be days when it would be in his advantage to
have the support of the group to find a few crumbs here and there, but one
day he’ll find a thrown out burrito. When he does, he’ll have it all to
himself. He won’t have to share it with any of his grey suit wearing
comrades.

Come to think of it, those spots I saw, just might be a little leftover hot
sauce.

Here’s to the spotted ones.

May you live to see the dawn.

-c

CD of the moment: Digable Planets - "Blowout Comb"

bad names & gentrification

So I get a business card from a consultant at a meeting and the guy's name
is Gaylord. The meeting was boring as hell and my time could have been
spent better elsewhere, so I came up with a list of names I'm glad my
parents didn't name me.

Thank you mom and dad for not naming me:

Franklin
Jamal
Toby
Aloysius
Fauntelroy
Cleophus
Sherman
Aspiridio
Haberdashekiah
Fidel
Puffy
Willard
Enrique
Broderick
Bartholemew
Wilbert
Zutroy
Lester
Guantanamera
Vinx

I also would like to do a tribute to gentrification.

If you can get a cab to come to your house, say OWWWWW!

If you live near a Starbucks: HOLLLLAAAA!!!!

If the liquor stores in your hood sells decent wine and microbrews, wave
your hand in the airrrrrr!!!

If you got a dry cleaners on your block PUT YO HANDS UP!!

If you need a permit to park on your own street, say HOOOOOOOO

If you can get anything from Sushi to BBQ ribs DELIVERED to your crib,
Hollaaaaa!

If you can take a cab to the club for less than $10, screeeeeam!!!!

If you got REAL trees and a REAL lawn on your block....HOLLLAAAA

...if the taco stands in your hood are staffed by actual mexicans puerto
ricans, put 'em up! put 'em up!!!!

if the fire hydrant on your block hasn't been opened all summer THO YO
MOTHERFUCKIN HANDS UP!!!

With more than half of my block speaking english as a second language, my
neighborhood hasn't been gentrified yet, but it's coming. I look around and
I know it's coming.

I make fun of this shit, but in some cases gentrification is a psuedo-good
thing. It has brought a certain level of safety and diversity to the
neighborhood, but for some reason when gentrification happens in the black
areas, they just get rid of us and make shit way too expensive for anyone
that lived there before to continue to live there.

Where is the fine line between improving a neighborhood while allowing the
existing residents to continue to be able to afford to live there?
... tricky shit, and as an architect, I get asked to essentially design /
build / and support the displacement efforts of the people with money. This
internal moral struggle gets the best of me sometimes.

-c

CD of the moment: Jazzanova - "In Between"

Fun with hyperlinks

If you’d like to continue to receive my ramblings and you haven’t sent me an e-mail to my new e-mail address please do so. I’m going to stop checking my e-mail at this account this week. Even if you don't, send me an e-mail anyway at my new address (cinamon_stick @ hotmail.com), so I can add it to my address book. Otherwise, you might not get anymore e-mails from me (and that might be a good thing huh?)

In the meantime, today will be Fun With Hyperlinks day.

I thought I’d pass along some shit I’ve been reading, what I’ve been feeling lately…

When you’re done reading, you should Send your momma flowers for no reason. She’ll appreciate it.

I’m struggling to get over a cold and have been feeling a little off lately, but my horoscope declares I am the shit.

If I ever can get out of credit card debt and rationalize leaving the country for an extended period of time again, I'm definitely going here!

I’ve considered this as a way to have someone else pay for my travels, but I can’t convince anyone to pay my credit cards for the year I’d be gone.

If I ever open up my own architectural firm, I want my web site to be as cool as this.

Isn’t Stevie Wonder the SHIT! I don’t think I play my Stevie as much as I should. He was just way ahead of his time.

... speaking of artists who were ahead of their time...

I want to have a dinner party, but I don’t have the kitchen, the money, or a cool enough apartment to do so. I also don’t think I know six or seven people in Chicago that I feel comfortable enough to throw in a room together and expect them to be able to hold an intelligent conversation over the course of an entire meeting. Well, at least I already know how to fold the napkins.

Bush is still full of shit. AIDS is out of control. The Mideast conflict is worse than we can imagine. Yet we go about our daily lives like nothing is wrong. I’m guilty of it my damn self. For example, I had no business getting this the other day. But I did, for not gotdamn reason….. Am I hypocritical for caring so much about these t! hings, yet doing so little about them? I wonder sometimes.

Did you know they found a seven MILLION year old skull in Africa? My question is, how the HELL do they know this skull is seven million years old? Who determines that shit? And is there anything else laying around that’s seven million years old? Sounds a little slim shady to me.

I want to write about Meshell Ndegeocello and her overt use of sexually explicit lesbian lyrics in her music because I think it could be a good discussion, but I keep bullshitting about buying her new album. I haven’t heard anyone say great things about it, so I’m still waiting.

Anyhow, don’t forget to do the good deed for your mom/significant other. Hey, don’t forget that men like to receive flowers too. It makes all the women at the office want us that much more…. But you didn’t hear that from me. I’m sure I’d much prefer to receive a good meal , but I’m sure this will do.

Fun with hyperlinks

In the meantime, today will be Fun With Hyperlinks day.

I thought I’d pass along some shit I’ve been reading, what I’ve been feeling lately…

When you’re done reading, you should Send your momma flowers for no reason. She’ll appreciate it.

I’m struggling to get over a cold and have been feeling a little off lately, but my horoscope declares I am the shit.

If I ever can get out of credit card debt and rationalize leaving the country for an extended period of time again, I'm definitely going here!

I’ve considered this as a way to have someone else pay for my travels, but I can’t convince anyone to pay my credit cards for the year I’d be gone.

If I ever open up my own architectural firm, I want my web site to be as cool as this.

Isn’t Stevie Wonder the SHIT! I don’t think I play my Stevie as much as I should. He was just way ahead of his time.

... speaking of artists who were ahead of their time...

I want to have a dinner party, but I don’t have the kitchen, the money, or a cool enough apartment to do so. I also don’t think I know six or seven people in Chicago that I feel comfortable enough to throw in a room together and expect them to be able to hold an intelligent conversation over the course of an entire meeting. Well, at least I already know how to fold the napkins.

Bush is still full of shit. AIDS is out of control. The Mideast conflict is worse than we can imagine. Yet we go about our daily lives like nothing is wrong. I’m guilty of it my damn self. For example, I had no business getting this the other day. But I did, for not gotdamn reason….. Am I hypocritical for caring so much about these t! hings, yet doing so little about them? I wonder sometimes.

Did you know they found a seven MILLION year old skull in Africa? My question is, how the HELL do they know this skull is seven million years old? Who determines that shit? And is there anything else laying around that’s seven million years old? Sounds a little slim shady to me.

I want to write about Meshell Ndegeocello and her overt use of sexually explicit lesbian lyrics in her music because I think it could be a good discussion, but I keep bullshitting about buying her new album. I haven’t heard anyone say great things about it, so I’m still waiting.

Anyhow, don’t forget to do the good deed for your mom/significant other. Hey, don’t forget that men like to receive flowers too. It makes all the women at the office want us that much more…. But you didn’t hear that from me. I’m sure I’d much prefer to receive a good meal , but I’m sure this will do.

Happy birthday to me!

That's right hoes, show me some love!!

I don't mean to offend, but I could use some lovin' today.

So about 11:30pm last night I was about to go to bed, but had the uncontrollable craving for a Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple. So I throw on some sandals and head down to my local ‘korna stow’. I stroll by the Old English 800, the Mickeys, the Wild Irish Rose, the Boone’s Farm, etc… and grab a Snapple. You would’ve thought it was crack the way I opened it in the store and started drinking it. Of course the Asian’s who run the spot and work there started eyeing me like I wasn’t going to pay for it, so I just hung out for a while browsing in the hot sauce aisle.

There is this one dude who is always sweeping when I go in there who just freaks me the fuck out. He has this blank stare and never watches what he’s sweeping, always watching the customers, but when you walk through his pile of dust, he starts mumbling some incoherent shit to himself and acts like you just knocked over a kids sand castle or something. I mean he REALLY freaks me out. He reminds of the lizard people from ‘V’ or something.

Anyway, I’m walking down my dark ass street minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear “ssssssssssssswwwwwwOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH”, something real hot hits me in the neck real hard, falls to my neck and explodes. I look up and see sparks in the air next to an open window. I see a little head pop up then go back down when I realize that a 5-6 yr. old Puerto Rican marksman just fired a m…… fucking bottle rocket at me!

As I stood there in disbelief I debated between calling the cops (which would probably be a waste of time), cussing some 6 year old kid out in a language he wouldn’t understand, or banging on some strangers door at 11:45pm and risk getting shot by the mother of some Latin King. Since my options were pretty slim I ended up standing there pissed off for a couple minutes, then went home. Now I have this big ass welt on my neck that looks like I’ve been making out with a 16 year old. How am I going to explain this to my lady friends

I’d like to do the positive thing and sign this little MF up for the Army or the U.S. Olympic Archery development league…. SOMETHING, because he’s got some untapped talent and I think children these days aren’t allowed to fully develop their potential because of poor parenting. But first, I’m gonna kick that sniper-to-be’s ASS when I see him!

-c

CD of the moment: the Best of the S.O.S. Band