Happy birthday to me!

That's right hoes, show me some love!!

I don't mean to offend, but I could use some lovin' today.

So about 11:30pm last night I was about to go to bed, but had the uncontrollable craving for a Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple. So I throw on some sandals and head down to my local ‘korna stow’. I stroll by the Old English 800, the Mickeys, the Wild Irish Rose, the Boone’s Farm, etc… and grab a Snapple. You would’ve thought it was crack the way I opened it in the store and started drinking it. Of course the Asian’s who run the spot and work there started eyeing me like I wasn’t going to pay for it, so I just hung out for a while browsing in the hot sauce aisle.

There is this one dude who is always sweeping when I go in there who just freaks me the fuck out. He has this blank stare and never watches what he’s sweeping, always watching the customers, but when you walk through his pile of dust, he starts mumbling some incoherent shit to himself and acts like you just knocked over a kids sand castle or something. I mean he REALLY freaks me out. He reminds of the lizard people from ‘V’ or something.

Anyway, I’m walking down my dark ass street minding my own business when all of a sudden I hear “ssssssssssssswwwwwwOOOOOSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH”, something real hot hits me in the neck real hard, falls to my neck and explodes. I look up and see sparks in the air next to an open window. I see a little head pop up then go back down when I realize that a 5-6 yr. old Puerto Rican marksman just fired a m…… fucking bottle rocket at me!

As I stood there in disbelief I debated between calling the cops (which would probably be a waste of time), cussing some 6 year old kid out in a language he wouldn’t understand, or banging on some strangers door at 11:45pm and risk getting shot by the mother of some Latin King. Since my options were pretty slim I ended up standing there pissed off for a couple minutes, then went home. Now I have this big ass welt on my neck that looks like I’ve been making out with a 16 year old. How am I going to explain this to my lady friends

I’d like to do the positive thing and sign this little MF up for the Army or the U.S. Olympic Archery development league…. SOMETHING, because he’s got some untapped talent and I think children these days aren’t allowed to fully develop their potential because of poor parenting. But first, I’m gonna kick that sniper-to-be’s ASS when I see him!

-c

CD of the moment: the Best of the S.O.S. Band