Monogamy pt. 2

“Emotional interactions shouldn’t count. Although, sometimes, those are more dangerous than physical ones “

Let me clear this one up from the last time (among other things I didn’t explain fully). What I was trying to say here was that fidelity shouldn’t always be taken personally. Many times it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, it’s me. Really. I honestly can love a woman, have sex with someone else or hang out with someone else, and feel like it has no impact on my love for that woman. She’ll probably feel differently about it I’m sure, but yes, I believe it is possible to have a non-emotional interaction with a woman (physical or otherwise) and it can have no bearing on my feelings for another person. E! X. Just because I love salmon, doesn’t mean I like Shrimp any less!! Get it?

Now, We are taught to believe in ‘sharing’ as a virtue, but for some reason we don’t believe in sharing what we value most, our sexual partners. The rule is that friends can share, but lovers have to do something else. If two people truly felt like they the other person wasn’t fulfilling them completely then A. one should let their partner know and B. if there is a true love between the two of you, you’ll do whatever it takes to keep your partner happy. (as long as they’re doing the same! It’s a two-way street!)

I guess it all comes down to communication and whether or not your partner is willing to do whatever it takes to keep you happy (within reason of course). There is no way to be against communication, you either do it more or less well, but you can’t, not do it. Monogamy is a lot of the same thing. It seems to me that it is not fair to be against monogamy, but it’s also not fair to be committed to it.

You’re always being sexually faithful to SOMEBODY, so in a sense, you’re always practicing monogamy, it’s just not always obvious who you are practicing it with…

Too often in relationships, especially in referring to monogamy, everything is all about TRUST. “I can’t trust you” allows others to not be committed, “You’ve broken my trust once before” says, that I acknowledge that you’re not perfect, but I want you to be, and the worst of them all, “Can I trust you?”. When this is asked, you know you’re in trouble. Trust is impossible to establish, no matter how hard you try. Because really, who (what, when, why) determines when you’ve done enough to establish trust?

My experience has been that I end up in a constant struggle trying to prove it, and you try so hard that you finally just say “fuggetaboutit” and go cheat! Trust is some sort of self-inflicted pain that masquerades as a promise that can’t be lived up to. The answer to the question ‘Can I trust you?’ should be, “No. I’m going to fuck up from time to time, and I need to know that either you’re going to work with me and deal with my fuck-ups or are you going to expect me to be perfect. I’m sure I’ll do some things that will piss you off. You need to let me know when I do. Sometimes, I won’t give a damn, but other ! times, I’ll do what you want out of the kindness of my heart, because I want you to be happy.”

…. Can you imagine the look on their face when you say this?!

But the question shouldn’t be ‘Can I trust you?”, the question should be ‘What do you think trust is? and How would you go about finding out if you didn’t trust me? Would you talk to me? Would you hire a private investigator? And what would make you believe me? And why should I tell you the truth? And what would make you trust your own trust in me? AND not to make light of Jack Nicholson’s famous quote, but Can you handle the truth?

My experience has been that people CAN’T handle the truth. People live in their own little worlds where everything is nice and lovely. The truth is inappropriate, it’s dirty, it’s rude, it’s crude, it causes pain, it hurts feelings and more often than not, as much as people want to be truthful, you’re not.

WHAT IF you told the truth all the time, it would be something like this:

Q. What do you want to do tonight?

A. Fuck and receive a blow job while I watch the game.

Q. Hey there’s a great party this weekend with the people I work with, it will be lot of fun, do you want to go?

A. No.

Q. Why not?

A. All of your friends are stuck up, cheap, and corny, and I don’t like them at all. As a matter of fact, I think you hanging out with them is having a detrimental effect on your life. Besides, I could use some time away from you.

Q. What’s for dinner?

A. If you’re not cooking? I think I’ll have microwave popcorn and call it a night.

Q. We should go to the movie this weekend.

A. No we shouldn’t. The movies you pick out are usually pretty wack, just like your driving.

Q. Why didn’t you come to work yesterday?

A. I’m tired of looking at you fake MF’s every day, I need a break.

Q. Sorry I took so long in the bathroom, have you been waiting long?

A. Yes, what were you doing taking a shit? I thought you fell in for a minute!

Q. How do I look?

A. You look good, but that dress is horrible. Go change and don’t take longer than 4 minutes. I’ll be in the car.

Trust is simply a word we’ve put too much trust in.

Lastly (for now at least), Monogamy to me is the belief that you’ve found the one thing that you’ll need forever, there is no need to look any more because you’ve found it and you’re willing to make a vow before God that you won’t have anything else. Forever.

I’m going to go out on a limb and associate my inability to believe in monogamy to the fact that I’m involved in the profession of architecture. I’ll tell you why.

It is a general consensus that there is not a perfect piece of architecture. Therefore you keep trying and trying to get as close as possible, but you never, NEVER become satisfied with what you have done. There is a constant push to do the building better, to learn something from it so you can improve upon it and do it better the next time.

Since architecture flows through almost every fiber of my being, it has become increasingly difficult to remove this outlook on life as I know it from my personal life. It naturally flows through the rest of my life, through my relationships, when I cook, what I wear, when I think about my wardrobe, my apartment, my women, even my music collection….. It never stops!!!! I was in the record store the other day and I actually said to myself, “You know what, I don’t have any Frank Sinatra or Sammy Davis Jr. in my music collection, I should get some.” WTF am I going to do with a damn Sammy Davis Jr. CD???!!! Play it for my great uncle at the family reunion????

Do I have a problem with commitment? Maybe. I would like to think it is the constant pursuit of something better. I say to myself, I’ll stop looking as soon as I find it, but the profession of architecture breeds a lifestyle (that I have bought into) that will never allow me to find her because she’ll never be good enough…. Thus, never worth practicing monogamy , therefore, a constant search for something better…….

How’s that for some self-victimization!

-c

CD of the moment: Dimitri from Paris – “After the Playboy Mansion” Disc 2