I must revisit one of my earlier answered questions:
Q. Is integrity important to you?
A. Yes, unless I’m dealing with women I’m having sex with.
I usually have zero amounts of integrity when regarding women I’m dating / fucking etc… Zero. I will sometimes lie, I will sometimes cheat, I will sometimes say whatever it is that they want to hear to keep them from being mad, upset, whatever. I hate confrontation with women, because I feel like we are ususally operating on two different sets of rules when it dealing with relationship issues. I can take the emotion out of an argument and discuss the issue at hand, for some reason, most of the women I’ve dealt with do not have the ability to do so. Therefore, in order to keep a discussion about where we should go to dinner from turning into a tirade about how I don’t love and respect her the way I should, I’ll do whatever it take! s to keep her happy. This might mean going out to eat Ethiopian food (which I can’t stand), hanging out with people who I wouldn’t speak to in a million years, and entertaining a thirty minute discussion about where the couch should be placed in the living room.
Please do not misunderstand my point. I have a tremendous amount of respect for women, some of my best friends are women (I know, I know it sounds like the old saying, “I have some black friends”), but I’m not having sex with them, and I won’t. If I do, then I have to be careful about what I do or say as not to disrespect the sanctity of the union that occurred during that night of excessive drinking. (When else do you have sex with your friends?)
Unless this is a woman who I plan on making my wife, I can basically already see the end in sight, thus not truly giving a damn about what the person thinks or how the person feels because I know eventually it will be over and once I find someone to marry, that person from my past will be completely eliminated from my life. I strongly believe that female friends (that I haven’t had sex with) are perfectly normal friendships to maintain once married. All of the other ones (that involve sex) have got to go. Why is this? Because my ego is big enough to make me believe that I can still have sex with every single one of my ex-girlfriends if I try. Maybe I have a big ego when it comes to this sort of thing, but the calls at ungodly hours of ! the night to proclaim how much I am missed play a role in making me feel the way I do.
Still, the question remains, why even deal with people who you don't plan on marrying? Well, I've never been interested in looking for marriage, so anyone I've dealt with has always been someone to deal with so that I don't go without, or to pass time until 'the real one' comes along. Am I living in a fantasy world? Probably.
Now, where is this coming from?
I’m pissed off.
I’m pissed off at myself.
And, I’m pissed off at one of you. I just don’t know who, so you all have to listen to my tirade.
I’m single, I’ve been single for a while. I still have (had) sex with my ex-girlfriend. Her whole thing is, “just be honest with me and it will be all right”. I have never bought it. She has tirelessly stated this since we’ve broken up, I could be with other women as long as I told her and my heart wasn’t into these other women. This has never made sense to me. So as long as in her view, if she is my #1 still, then whatever else I do is cool. Why in the hell would I tell her about other women in my life unless I wanted to ruin the friendship we had? I could give you her side of the story, but since it i! s such a broken record in my head, I’m tired of hearing it, the last thing I want to do is explain it.
I decided to not say shit about anybody else. I figured, we weren’t together, it doesn’t matter, and when I tried to tell her one night that it was none of her business she went ballistic. So even though it’s the truth, I learned that I shouldn’t let HER know I felt that way. From that day, I learned my lesson, Chris Rock was right, as soon as she knows what she says doesn’t matter it will all be ove, because in reality, she really cares,. So I lied. I lied because it is easier to act like nothing is going on in order to enjoy the time we would spend together. If I mentioned that I even met someone, I would have to play 1,000 questions and one of those questions inevitably was “So are you go! ing to fuck her?” It became impossible to just enjoy the time I spent with her because I would have to endure countless amounts of innuendo’s and smart ass comments about “all my hoes” that I decided to just not say shit about anything and lie about the rest. By maintaining this approach we were able to go out, have a good time, have great sex and truly enjoy each other’s friendship. But once she knew about someone else, it would all be over.
Now here is where YOU come in. One of you, who receives these writings, felt it in their good conscience to send it along to her so she could know what I'm talking about. I really have no idea for how long, and how many of these writings she has received. I suppose after hearing my response to the integrity question, she had had enough. Well, now that she knows, and had to hear it from somebody else instead of me, she has severed our friendship. Probably one of the best friendships I had these days. Maybe you (whoever sent it to her) had no idea what you were doing, but don’t you think if I had meant for her to know something, I would have told her?
I realize I am an idiot for writing what I write and assuming it wouldn't get back to her, but I suppose I had hoped to deal with that on my terms, not someone else’s. However, as soon as I press that send button, I know everything else is truly out of my hands. So I can only blame myself not whoever sent it on for the problems it caused. In retrospect, I guess I generally didn’t give a damn, I was just allowing whatever we had to play itself out until I found someone else that was worth giving her up for and I hadn’t found anyone yet. That is probably why I continued to see her and everything.
When I write about people, I try to keep them as non-descript and infamous as possible in order to not give away who they are because it isn’t really about them, it’s about my experiences and allowing others to look at things from their own eyes in hopes that if someone goes through some of the same shit I go through, they’ll be able to handle the situation better than I did. (Read: I’m kind enough to let you learn from my mistakes!) I thought about not writing about this because she’ll probably see it, but then that would defeat the whole purpose of doing this in the first place.
Do I feel like shit for lying to her face? Hell yeah.
Would I do it again? Probably, if it meant that I could still have her as a friend. It was all working fine until she found out. Now forward that to her.
-c
CD of the moment: Cooly's Hot Box - "Take It"
