thoughts on 2002 & 2003

Well, it’s finally a new year.  I don’t know about you, but 2002 was rather

shitty for me.  I suppose I’ve had worse years in my life, but when looking

back at where I was at the end of 2001 compared to where I’m at now….. It

caused a minor alarm in my head.  I realized that I hadn’t really grown much

or taken anything to the next level: mentally, emotionally, socially,

professionally or personally.  I spent 2002 waiting for some shit to happen

to me.



I figured, I’m educated, I’m single, I’m smart, I work hard, I give spare

change and cigarettes to homeless people, bartenders give me free drinks, I

get into clubs for free, I pay my bills on time, I give up my seat for old

ladies, and I’ve traveled the world, so it’s time for people to recognize

that shit and reward my ass.  I honestly thought that it was time to reap

the benefits of everything I’ve done in my life and I sat back and was

waiting for it to happen.



I’m still waiting.



I probably would’ve continued to wait had I not received the swift kicks in

the ass I’ve received thus far during the virgin era of 2003.



First, my professional life:  There are a group of 9 people in our firm that

are all basically at the same level.  Last year we were all named to be

associates.  This year 8 were named to be Senior associates.  The only

person not given the promotion: Curtis.  None of them have as much

experience as me, only half of them have their Masters degree like me, I am

closer to becoming licensed than any of them and none of them works much

harder than anyone else.  We all work hard.  So when asked why I wasn’t

given the promotion, bossman said he didn’t remember who did or didn’t

receive one and he would ‘check on it’.  Well a follow up e-mail and two

weeks later, I can only presume he’s still ‘checking on it’.



To make a long story short, I’m sure he didn’t expect me to call him on it

and he knows that he can’t give me a reason why I wouldn’t receive it, so

now he’s ignoring me.  And now, the act to constructively reduce my role on

projects has increased and the communication level with the new ‘Senior

Associates’ has increased on his part.  Fucking shady ass shit.  So I’m

trying to bounce.  The worst part is that now the seed has been planted and

you can see it in the swagger of people who now act like they are somehow

better than you all of a sudden. “Hoe, don’t you remember you were working

on my project and fucking it up just two months ago??”  I really don't want

to believe that it's because I'm the only black in my studio.  I really

don't.  I would hope that I would be recognized for my skills and abilities,

but it has become more apparent than ever that you have to play 'the game'. 

Anyway, if you know someone who is hiring, let me know.  I don't have to

deal with this bullshit.



My next kick in the ass came from a conversation with a good friend who

basically made me realize that women will eventually move on and find

someone else if I don’t make them the #1 and only women in my life.  My

problem is that I’ve always believed that I could always have any of my

ex-girlfriends if I ever decided to be with one of them.  They’ll always be

there for me to come back to if I let them know that I’m serious about them.

 Most of the time in my experience, it’s been true, so I didn’t believe it

was my ego.  I ALWAYS got the girl in the end….. ALWAYS.  So I didn’t see it

coming when it became apparent that was no longer the case.



Nowadays women hold you to a standard and give you some “Marry me or fuck

off” type vibe.  I really have a difficult time understanding this.  How can

you go from wanting to spend the rest of your life with someone to

completely eliminating that person from your life forever in a matter of 5

minutes?  The other light bulb that has gone off in my head is that I’ve

learned to appreciate sex.  I know this because I’ve been hanging out with

this little moriqua for the past few months, and I ain’t trying to fuck…….. 

I NEVER thought I’d see the day when I wouldn’t try to fuck.



Never.



I want to believe that it is because I can’t see anything between us being

long term so why even start down that path when all that is going to happen

is broken hearts, difficult conversations, and a bad taste about me left in

the mouth of a good person.  On the other hand, it could be that I just want

things to be easy and I don’t have the energy to deal with the drama that

women bring into things once you start giving them the isness.  God forbid

they want to stop giving it to you to ‘teach you a lesson’, then tell you

that they really WANT to have sex with you, but now they’re not sure if they

should or not….. I'm too old to play the fucking games.



On the social front, I miss my friends.  None of my good friends are in

Chicago, so it makes it difficult to be active socially.  Sure I get invited

to parties and stuff in the Chi, but I don’t really want to hang out with

any of these people because they are already at a disadvantage.  I feel like

there is no one I can meet that is going to know me like the friends I

already have know me, so what’s the point.  I have a core group of friends

that isn’t going anywhere and I don’t need many more than that.  Every once

in a while you meet someone you click with and that’s cool, but rare. 

Therefore, most of the time I don’t take on very many new friends which

makes it hard to hang out.  Without an accomplice it makes it difficult to

meet women because you go from being someone hanging out with a friend to

being the lonely guy in the club by himself.  I think that creeps women out

a bit.



I thought I missed my friends to the point that I believed they would be the

reason I should move away from Chicago.  But after going out to DC and

hanging out with them for New years week I realized that I need a better

reason than them to move back across the country.  This has nothing to do

with how much I love them, but I haven’t been out there for like four years.

 Folks have moved on, people have their own individual lives now, raising

babies, nurturing marriages, new friends etc..  I am clearly not a part of

these things, and I shouldn’t be.  So I’ve accepted that my friends are my

friends, and they’ll be there forever, but I shouldn’t use them as a means

to dictate where I’ll be.



Lastly, I received my authorization to take the architectural licensing

exam, and that has been my focus as of late so if I have seemed distant, I

have been.  Just trying to work everything out so that 2003 can be one to

remember.  Sitting back and waiting for things to happen is not the way to

do things in 2003.  You gotta get out there and create your own damn

opportunities because no one is going to give you a damn thing.



Cheers to making shit happen in 2003.



-c



CD of the moment: James Brown – “The Big Payback”