Texas wedding recap

How do you write about a wedding you were in without incriminating everyone
involved and not offending the people whose wedding it was?  

I could just not give names, but then those that are involved would know exactly who I'm
talking about.  I could tell how I really feel about everything, but then
that might hurt some feelings.  Then again, my friends are close enought to
know that my opinion is just that, "my opinion" and I'd probably tell
exactly how I felt anyway.  But a wedding is a very special day that can not
be done over if mistakes occur, so by pointing out the little things that I
found particularly funny, they could potentially be taken the wrong way.  

My observations are simply my observations, and I admit, I see things in a sick
and twisted way at times, but the humor occurrs in drawing my own
conclusions, embellishing and imposing feelings upon those who may or may
not be feeling what it looks like they are..... not quite sure where I'm
going with this, but in any case, with reservations, here are some of the
highlights of the wedding I participated in this weekend.  I don't think I'm
going to send this to the groom..... It just wouldn't be right.

My Texas wedding recap.


After working until midnight, doing laundry until 3am because I was out of
underwear (that's the only time I ever do laundry), then returning to work
at 7am to make sure things were done before my trip, I finally head to the
airport on the train, carrying my golf clubs. An ordeal to say the least, I
make it to the airport to find out the best man's flight coming through
Chicago is delayed to Texas. With time to spare, we quickly located the
nearest libation station and consumed Long Island Iced Teas, Jack & Cokes
and beer. We arrived Texas late around 11:30pm, retreived our rental car
and headed out with our trusty GPS navigation system to get us to the hotel.


Man, fu*k a GPS navigation system. That thing waits until the last minute
to tell you which way to go, then after you make a wrong turn it simply
says, "please proceed to the highlighted route" Well if you would have told
me with enough time to make the damn turn, I wouldn't be off the mf route
would I? Anyway, we were told that our hotel was the La Quinta Inn on
Mo-Pac road..... no one knew there were two La Quinta Inns on Mo-Pac road,
and of course we drive all the way across town to the wrong one. So after
finally getting to the correct La Quinta hotel and checking in it's about
1:30 in the morning. There's something about being in Texas with two
brothas driving around on a dark ass night. Every time we saw the police I
felt like Medger Evers in Mississippi around 1962.


We make it to the hotel, go right to bed around 2am in order to wake up in
time for our 7am tee time. Even though my play was terrible on less that 4
hours of sleep, this was one of the most enjoyable parts of my trip. After
helping out the groom run around and take of wedding stuff, pickup people
from the airport, etc.. we were informed that since champagne and wine would
be provided at the reception, alcohol would not be provided at the rehearsal
dinner.


I said, alcohol would not be provided at the rehearsal dinner.


We are grown ass men, on vacation. We gon' drink! So we found a liquor
store, picked up some styrofoam coolers, ice and we were good to go. Next,
we rode in the shuttle bus to the wedding rehearsal and met the pastor. Do
you remember in Coming to America the Arsenio Hall preacher character? That
was the pastor of the church. It was one of those good ole musty southern
churches where the SCLC probably met back in the day. After the rehearsal,
we headed to the Salt Lick where you could smell the BBQ meat about a mile
away. The Salt Lick is a huge texas style BBQ where they serve lots of
meat. It was great, the food was phenomenal and we found ourselves a little
corner in the wedding party's private room and got lit.


Now you have to understand, we are the only young adults in the room and we
are sitting at a table by ourselves throwing down, having a good time. We
were having such a good time that while people are quoting bible verses
we're raising our glasses in support, while the bride's mom was giving a
heartfelt speech about not always being there for her daughter we were
giggling and shit, while grandma slowly stood up to give her speech full of
old people wisdom folks were cracking jokes on her crooked eye, we basically
acted ignorant as this was our first time together since.... since..... well
okay, since the bachelor party the week before, but BEFORE THAT, it had been
a long time.


The wedding was cool. Standing still for an hour in a tux made of cardboard
was tough though. The highlight of the wedding was when the preacher broke
the unity candle. I know the brotha was trying to help out, but he was so
nervous I knew something was bound to happen. He was shaking uncontrollably
like a third grader giving his first speech! The bride and groom managed to
get the unity candle lit they just had to hold pieces of brass candelabra in
their hand to do so.... Off to the reception...


We're hot, funky, legs are tired, hungry and finally make our way into the
reception hall and while the bride and groom do their first dance we find a
waiter and ask if we can get a drink. The words he spoke ripped through me
like a whip on kunta kente's back... "I'm sorry, sir, but we will not be
serving alcohol at this function." I say, "No, there is supposed to be
champagne and wine being served." He replies, "Not anymore."


........ I say to myself, "this guy is talking crazy, let me find someone
who really knows."


I ask someone else, who happened to be the bartender for the night and she
told us, "The bar was cancelled late last night. I don't know why?" Well
we had an idea, and it was later confirmed. Our behavior at the rehearsal
dinner had caused someone to make the unilateral decision to serve nothing
but fruit punch, water, tea and coffee at the reception. I couldn't believe
it. They cancelled the liquor. Then I realized that no one from the bride's
family had spoken to any of us the entire day. One of the groomsmen even
sat at the same table for dinner as the bride's mother. not a word. So we
arranged for the resort to take us via shuttle to the nearby resort bar as
soon as the best man gave his speech. Within an hour we were smashed. When
we went back to the reception, it was over. Everyone was gone except for
the shuttle driver who was sitting there waiting to take us back to the
hotel.


The good thing is, I don't think anyone really realized we were missing
except for the groom's father. That was only because his daughter was with
us. The bad thing is we didn't even get to drink any champagne.


~C


CD of the moment: Public Enemy - "It Takes a Nations of Millions to Hold Us
Back"